32: Survival Mode Series, Part 1
Feeling Dismissed.
In this episode, we are starting a new series on why so many women are stuck in Survival Mode. Today, we are starting with that feeling of dismissal or non-importance when we bring up something that matters to us.
This is the mistake so many husbands make without realizing it. And it’s why so many wives feel like they’re living in low-grade survival mode inside their own marriage. Not because they’re unloved. Not because their husbands are bad men. But because somewhere in the middle of everyday conflict… they stopped feeling seen.
Let’s talk about it.
Most Arguments Aren’t Actually Meant to Be Solved
Research from John Gottman shows that 69% of relationship conflict is perpetual. Meaning, most of what you argue about isn’t going away. The first thing you and your partner fight about is likely going to be the thing you fight about the most throughout your relationship.
It’s personality differences, stress responses, money habits, parenting styles, tone (how you say something is as important as what you say!), timing, and energy; these are some examples of what people argue about.
So if most conflict isn’t solvable… then what actually matters?
How you show up inside it. Connection is the solution.
The Fix-It Trap
Men were often taught that love looks like solving the problem.
Provide. Protect. Fix.
So when you say:
“I’m overwhelmed.”
“That hurt my feelings.”
“I feel like I’m doing this alone.”
His brain goes straight to:
“Okay, what’s the solution?”
“How do we make this stop?”
“Here’s what you should do…”
But you’re not asking for a strategy or a solution. You’re asking for a connection, or quite frankly, someone to say, “Oh man, that sucks!”
Carly’s husband has started saying, “You just want encouragement,” or “You just want me to agree that that is horrible”. Which makes things easier in her house.
The Moment We Start Shutting Down
When you stop bringing things up, it’s usually not because everything is fine. It’s not because you suddenly became less emotional or more easygoing. Most of the time, it’s because somewhere along the way, you didn’t feel heard when you tried.
There are only so many times you can share something vulnerable and feel dismissed before you start protecting yourself.
And dismissal doesn’t always look harsh. Sometimes it sounds like, “You’re overreacting.” Or, “It’s not that big of a deal.” Or even a well-intentioned, “Here’s what you should do.” The intention might be to calm things down or move toward a solution, but what lands is something very different. Instead, it feels like: Your feelings are too much or You’re wrong for experiencing this the way you are.
That doesn’t soothe your nervous system.
When you share something hard, you’re usually not presenting a problem to be solved. You’re offering access to your internal world. And when the response skips past that experience and moves straight to fixing, it can feel like being bypassed — like the outcome matters more than what you’re actually feeling.
We hear this all the time: “He thinks he’s helping, but I feel completely dismissed.”
He genuinely believes he’s doing the loving thing by finding a solution. He wants the problem gone. He wants you to feel better. But what you’re actually craving in that moment isn’t efficiency — it’s empathy. You don’t need a blueprint. You need someone to sit next to you in it and say, “That makes sense. I can see why that would feel heavy.”
Most people don’t need advice first. They need acknowledgment. They need to feel seen, heard, and valued before they can even think about solutions.
And here’s what’s important: this isn’t about one person being wrong. It’s about two different instincts colliding. He’s trying to fix the problem. You’re trying to feel understood. Both are attempts at love — they’re just speaking different dialects.
The shift is smaller than people think. It can be as simple as pausing and asking, “Do you want me to just listen right now, or are we problem-solving?” That question alone communicates care. It says, I want to meet you where you are.
When you feel emotionally safe — when you feel like your inner world isn’t being minimized or corrected — you soften. You stay open. You keep bringing things forward instead of shutting them down.
And when he realizes that connection, not correction, is what builds closeness, everything changes. He doesn’t have to be the hero of the story. He just has to be present in it.
The Small Shift That Changes Everything
Before jumping in with advice or solutions, there’s one simple question that can completely shift the tone of the conversation:
“Do you want me to listen, or help problem-solve?” Kelly’s husband asks this before, and it has proven to be so helpful. She has started implementing it with her kids, too!
That question communicates something powerful. It says, Your experience matters. I’m not here to override it — I’m here to understand it.
When you feel emotionally safe, when you sense that your feelings aren’t about to be corrected or minimized, your whole body relaxes. You don’t have to defend your reaction. You don’t have to escalate to be taken seriously. You can just be honest.
And here’s the part we love — when connection comes first, solutions can actually become welcome advice! Advice feels collaborative instead of corrective.
Now, it’s just a matter of changing his instinct to make you feel heard, easy right?!
In case no one told you today, You Handled That Perfectly.
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