29: Friendships
The (adult) friendship struggle
In this episode, we’re talking about adult friendship — why it feels so hard as busy millennial mompreneurs, how friendships change over time, the ‘catch-up friend,’ how we navigate our kids’ friendships (especially when we’re friends with the parents), and what it really looks like to try to make new friends in your 40s.
WHY FRIENDSHIP FEELS HARD RIGHT NOW
We no longer have the built-in proximity that made making friends so easy in our 20s. We aren’t going to school or working in jobs that allow us to have an automatic friend pool. Then, when we do make friends, there comes the matter of the time and emotional bandwidth that comes with new friends. These two things are very limited in motherhood, and everyone is protecting their peace. Friendship requires intentional effort now.
REASON / SEASON / LIFETIME FRIENDS
There is a saying that people come into ur lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
Reason → situational, purpose-based
Season → deep, meaningful, time-bound
Lifetime → rare, flexible, resilient
Every category has value and serves a purpose. No friendship is a failure, because everything teaches us something. Whether that is about ourselves or about a situation happening around us.
“The pain comes when we expect a lifetime friend from a season.”
THE “CATCH-UP FRIEND”
This is the friend that you see when you go home, and most of the time is spent catching up on each other’s lives. You rarely talk between catch-ups. Sometimes, that is all you need. Someone to reminisce with, share past experiences, but you never make new memories. Oftentimes, this can leave you drained rather than energized. It may feel emotional because of the memories, but this relationship is not connective. It’s probably time to reevaluate this friendship and determine whether or not it is worth your time. Even if it’s only a few hours once ayear. Your time is valuable.
Catch-ups aren’t wrong. They often signal a season shift or a friendship needing a new format.
FRIENDSHIP GRIEF + GUILT
There is guilt and grief that come with friendships. Just like everything in motherhood, right?! Maybe you are missing how easy it used to be, or maybe you want lighter connections these days.
We have had friendships that we have had to soften without a big blow-up. Sometimes, there are people in our lives who drain us, and it’s okay to let those relationships go. You may have to put the relationship on pause or let it dissolve completely, and that’s ok!
INITIATIVE FATIGUE & ONE-SIDED FRIENDSHIPS
We all know them, we’ve all had them. One-sided friendships. You’re the one always setting up get-togethers, always reaching out, always asking the questions. It’s exhausting. It makes you feel like they don’t care about you or the friendship. Which may not be the case, but it can’t always be you initiating. Try pulling back and seeing how things change. Do they start to reach out, or has the friendship run its course?
On the other hand, some people are just better at being the organizer, the planner, or the caregiver. And if that’s you, more power to you!
PARENTING PARALLEL: WATCHING OUR KIDS STRUGGLE
While we are facing our own friendship troubles, oftentimes, we are watching our kids go through friendship struggles as they try to find themselves. It may bring up old feelings or memories of your childhood that can be triggering. Which leads to a strong urge to fix the problem. But is ok and normal for your child to go through these things, and very important for them to learn how to navigate friendships for themselves.
Their friendships are theirs, for better or worse.
WHEN YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH THE PARENT
When you are friends with the parent, but the kids don’t necessarily get along.
Kids navigating something hard
You genuinely like the parent
Everything feels intertwined
Your approach
Kid dynamics don’t dictate adult friendships
We guide, never force
We stay neutral
What you don’t do
No forced playdates
No social engineering
No triangulating parents
We let our girls lead, and we stay out of the middle.
Some things to try saying:
“You get to choose your friends.”
“Not everyone is meant to be close forever.”
“Friendships can change, and that’s okay.”
MAKING FRIENDS AT 40+ (STARTING FROM SCRATCH)
What to normalize:
It feels awkward
Everyone is nervous
Rejection feels personal now
Where friendships actually start, or where to find friends:
School / activities
Work / networking / co-working
Shared interests (walks, wellness, hobbies)
Saying yes before it feels natural
Mindset shift
You’re not behind
You’re building differently now
MAKING NEW MEMORIES (WITHOUT FORCING DEPTH)
Reframe your thoughts around new friends at 40+. This is about transitioning friendships and can be seasonal friends or reason friends, and that reason being simple: to help you learn how to make new friends. Not every friend needs to go deeper.
Here are some ideas for things to do with your new friends:
Walks
Errands
Co-working
Kid-adjacent hangs
FRIENDSHIP COMPARISON REALITY CHECK
We see those girl groups on social media. The moms with large groups of friends who are always hanging out together. Posting big, fun group photos. And it can be easy to ask why you don’t have that, to compare your situation to theirs. But as you know, comparison is the thief of joy. You don’t know what is happening behind the scenes. And that is certainly not the norm. Most people have a few friends that they hold close.
PERMISSION + REFLECTION
It’s okay to want lighter friendships
It’s okay to stop chasing
It’s okay to be open and selective
It’s okay if your circle is smaller
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