19: Identity Crisis - Empty Nesters

Oct 1

We are wrapping up our series on identity crisis. I am sure this is not the last we will talk about identity crises, because as moms, we go through so many changes throughout our lives. If you're looking around your quiet house and thinking, “Wait—who am I now?”—you’re not alone.

According to a 2023 study by AARP, 60% of empty nesters report experiencing a loss of identity after their children leave home. More than half - and like our previous stats about PPD - this number feels LOW!

Because everything always seems fine, until it’s not! It’s crazy that these things just aren’t really talked about. During our research, we had trouble finding facts around this because people sort of gloss over the hard parts. Because this isn’t postpartum or menopause or another “named” phase—we don’t always talk about it. Which leads to that isolating feeling of, “Is it just me?” Or being an empty nester is viewed in such a positive light, or like a “you got your freedom back - now you can travel - or whatever.” But not… You just spent the last 18+ years caring for children, and now that part of you is no longer in service. What happens when you come home from work now? What do your weekends look like? How are you spending your time? It’s wild!

And have you thought to yourself, Why does this stage hit so deep? Well, because motherhood becomes part of your core identity. And let’s be real—society doesn’t help. We’re praised for being selfless, for putting everyone else first. But when your full-time caregiving role ends, there’s this echo of “Now what?”

As therapist and author Dr. Shefali Tsabary puts it:

“We begin to confuse our role with our identity. When the role ends, we feel as though our identity has disappeared too.”

TIPS to help with the transistion:

Grieve: This is a real loss. You’ve spent decades nurturing someone else. It’s normal to feel a sense of loss. Cry if you need to. Talk about it. Don’t rush to "fill the void" too quickly.

“Grief is just love with nowhere to go.” – Jamie Anderson

Reconnect With Your Old Interests: Think back: What did you love before motherhood? Art, writing, fitness, music, fashion, hiking, volunteering—revisit those passions.
Get curious: Try new things—classes, trips, friendships, anything. Classes in person can help introduce you to new people, you can try: pottery, guitar, photography, coding, dance. New experiences spark curiosity and reignite your sense of self. Studies show that learning something new boosts confidence and mental well-being—especially for women in midlife.
Prioritize Your Health: Focus on your wellness now—nutrition, exercise, mental health. Start a new routine that’s about you, not carpools or lunchboxes. Even a daily 30-minute walk can reset your body and mind.
Reconnect with your partner or yourself: This is your time, too.
Redefine Success: Success is no longer getting everyone to practice on time. It's showing up for yourself now. Ask: What does fulfillment look like for me today?
Ask for help: Therapy, support groups, friends—lean on them.
Build or Rebuild Community: Reconnect with old friends or make new ones in this life stage. Join women’s groups, book clubs, spiritual circles, or local meetups. You’re not the only one going through this—find your tribe.
Travel—Solo or With Purpose: Even a weekend away can help shift your perspective. Visit a place you’ve always wanted to go—without asking who’s watching the kids.
Explore Your Spirituality or Inner World: Meditation, journaling, mindfulness, or reconnecting with faith traditions can help ground your sense of self.
Book suggestion: The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer
Create a New Daily Rhythm: Build a routine that supports your goals, passions, and peace. Replace the school drop-off with a morning walk or journaling session. Structure brings stability during emotional transitions.
Invest in a New Goal: Write a book, train for a race, learn a language, start a business—anything that gives you forward momentum. Purpose is a powerful antidote to identity loss. Keep moving, when we stop moving, that’s when things start to go wrong.
Celebrate the Freedom (Without Guilt): Congratulations! You did your job. Your kids are launching—that’s success. Now you get to take up space again. Fully. Without guilt.

And remember—you didn’t stop being valuable the moment your kid moved out. You’re still growing, still vibrant, still you… even if you’re figuring out who that “you” is now.

Song suggestion: BANKS by NEEDTOBREATHE

“I wanna hold you close but never hold you back”

Some positives to being an empty nester:

Freedom to Focus on You: You finally get uninterrupted time to rediscover your wants, needs, and dreams — without anyone else’s schedule dictating your day.

More Time for Hobbies & Passions: Always wanted to write, paint, garden, or start that podcast (hello?!)? Now’s your moment.
Your House Stays Clean (Mostly): No more mystery socks under the couch or sticky cereal bowls in the sink. Bonus: less laundry!
Room to Reconnect With Your Partner: Empty nest can be a second honeymoon — if you let it. Date nights, spontaneous trips, or just quiet coffee together in the morning.
Financial Relief (eventually): You may not be totally off the hook (hello, tuition), but fewer dependents at home = fewer daily expenses. Goodbye, grocery bills for four.
You Can Travel Easier: No coordinating school breaks, practices, or babysitters. Go when you want, where you want, even solo if you like. Spontaneity is back on the table.
Your Space = Your Own Again: disturbance-free bathroom breaks, I’ll take any day!
You Get to Say YES to You: Yes to naps. Yes to pursuing your career. Yes to doing nothing if you want to. Finally, it isn’t seen as selfish.
Peace and Quiet: No more slamming doors, teenage mood swings, or blaring headphones in every room. Quiet is sacred — and healing.
Time Feels Abundant Again: You can slow down. Mornings can be gentle. Nights can be restful. You’re no longer rushing to squeeze yourself into the margins.
You Get to Model Wholeness for Your Kids: We try to do this as much as possible now, but by then, who knows?! By rediscovering yourself, you're teaching them that adulthood and womanhood are rich, evolving journeys — not sacrifices. I want my kids to know they can be a parent and still have a full life. So I’m showing them by example.
You Get to Be Their Best Friend: The kids are grown now, making their own decisions, and now your parenting job is subsiding, but they will know you will always be their best friend