18: Identity Crisis - School-Age Kids
This episode is the second in our identity crisis series, which is about what it feels like when our kids go to school. Maybe you were a stay-at-home mom, and now your kids are gone during the day. What now? Maybe you work a 9-5 and your schedule has to adapt to school hours, and who you are in your career has to shift. One question I see asked all the time in my mom groups is: I’m traveling with my kids, what are all your tips and tricks?! I love that we are doing this episode! I have asked a couple of friends who I know travel with kids regularly for some tips, so we will share those too!
Or maybe you are a new mom and sending your baby to daycare. That is a tough transition, and you’re trying to make sure you are making the right choice for yourself and your baby. Before having that baby, decisions were so much easier because they involved one less person, and for that matter, one person who can’t make decisions on their own. This could mean part-time daycare or jumping right into full-time daycare. There are so many emotions that come with that.
Just know that you are not alone.
About 70% of mothers report feeling a loss of purpose or direction when children first go to school full-time.
A 2020 study in the Journal of Family Issues found that over 60% of mothers who stayed home for several years identify “primary caregiver” as central to their self-definition (wasn’t just something they did—it was who they were)—and struggle to redefine their identity when school starts. Their sense of self became inextricably tied to being the constant, present, hands-on mom.
This identity fusion happens gradually. Daily caregiving—feeding, soothing, teaching, and managing every detail of a child’s life—becomes not only a routine but a source of purpose, structure, and even self-worth.
Psychologists refer to this as identity foreclosure—when someone commits strongly to a role or identity without exploring alternatives. In this case, the role of “mom” becomes so dominant that other identities (artist, athlete, writer, entrepreneur, etc.) get buried. When the child becomes more independent, the mother is left without a clear sense of who she is beyond that role.
This next topic is a big one. And that is the Pressure to Monetize or “Optimize” my Time. It’s like, ok, I have some extra time so how do I fill it?
After kids go to school, moms may see things on social media that promote this as well:
Ads and posts saying: “Now you have time to start a side hustle!”
Productivity influencers pushing “no excuses” narratives.
You feel like:
You must instantly replace mothering with something “productive” or marketable.
Guilt for simply resting, grieving, or exploring slowly.
Pressure coming from people close to you to do something. Like a husband now wanting you to make money. Or friends and family asking what you’re going to do with all your free time now.
You want to go back to school and learn a trade.
55% of stay-at-home mothers in a Care.com survey (2021) said they wanted to re-enter the workforce or pursue education once kids entered school, but felt “unsure where to start.”
A 2022 Pew Research Center survey showed 43% of mothers reported increased feelings of loneliness or anxiety after kids started school.
If you think about the loneliness that comes with motherhood and it’s so interesting. Because you literally have someone (a child) around you all the time, and in a lot of cases, a spouse. Someone who you should be able to connect with over such a huge life shift. But yet, neither of them knows exactly what you went through or what you need. Having other moms who can vent, commiserate, laugh, cry, and frankly, tell you that you handled it perfectly, is a huge must. We are going to do another episode that goes deeper into why we started this, but the identity crisis we both went through, and wanted to feel seen and connected, was a huge part of this podcast.
Being able to normalize those feelings and knowing you aren’t alone, other people feel them too, is such a big part of working through them. Getting through this often requires… You guessed it, a mindset shift. Try asking yourself: What matters to me now? Try working through some of the exercises we talked about in the priority episode to really figure out how you want to be spending that time. And maybe it is just relaxing or taking in the quiet. Maybe it is to take a class, volunteer, or start a hobby just for yourself. It’s so good to have goals and hobbies. It is not only healthy for you, but it’s setting a really good example for your kids, too.
Our kids are watching us all the time and taking in more of our actions than we realize. When they see us modeling well-balanced lifestyles that include time for ourselves, they, in turn, know it’s ok to take time for themselves too. And, you need to have your own life. We are going to talk in a later episode about what happens when you go from having kids at home to being an empty nester and how that looks. But, I am almost positive that our perfectly good advice will include: have your own life because guess what?! You’re gonna feel really lost if you don’t.
The influence social media has on moms and being the “supermom”:
Social media is full of curated, polished snapshots:
Moms posting their new businesses, gym routines, and creative projects.
Others showing elaborate school lunches, perfectly decorated homes, or constant family adventures.
For a mom struggling with “who am I now?” this can feel like:
“I’m failing.”
“Everyone else has it figured out.”
“I should be doing more.”
Research: A 2021 Frontiers in Psychology review found social media use correlates with increased upward social comparison, which is linked to lower self-esteem, especially in mothers.
TIPS:
Curate your feed: Unfollow accounts that spark shame or guilt.
Follow people sharing honestly about midlife, motherhood transitions, and reinvention.
Set limits on time spent scrolling. Your phone and the app can both do this! Don’t hit “Ignore limit for Today”!
Prioritize offline friendships and hobbies. (PUT THE PHONE DOWN)
Treat online sharing as optional—not required for self-worth. And honestly, as a safety precaution, it is sometimes really good not to post when you are away or doing something cool. Be in the moment, take the pictures, and post later! Or not at all.
If it all feels overwhelming, we get that. There are a number of excellent therapists who help moms navigate this part of life every day. We highly recommend therapy to… well, pretty much everyone.
And as always, we are here for you if you need support, encouragement, or a friend. If nothing else, know you’re not alone in what you’re feeling. Your kids starting school is so hard. You have the big emotions of the kids AND for yourself as a mom too. Dealing with who we are now and grieving that our babies aren’t babies anymore. It’s a new phase, a new part of life. And change can be hard.
Perfectly Good Advice
This episode’s Perfectly Good Advice comes from Christine, a mompreneur with 4 kids ranging from 5-14.
Nothing is impossible, unless you believe it is. Everything, absolutely everything can happen with the right mindset and support.
Working on something for 10 minutes a day will get you a lot farther than you think. By the end of the month you’ll have put in 300 minutes! It might be crawling, but at least you’re moving and not stagnant.
Find the right people to help you with the things you are struggling with. You might not be able to tackle it alone, but with help it is manageable.
It’s all a growing experience. I’ve had many conversations with people about whether or not to have kids and when, finish careers, etc. I don’t think it really matters in the long run. Have kids! They will make you grow faster as an individual than you could have ever imagined. They are like a miraclegro for their parents. You might even notice that you do more and are more successful than you could have imagined without kids.
It’s never too late to start something new.
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