23: Safety Series: Kids Offline

In this episode, we’re talking about keeping our kids safe, OFFLINE. We talked a lot about keeping them safe online in the last episode, but what about when they are away from their screens? How do we keep them safe during everyday life?

It’s such a different world now. My dad and I were talking about how when he was 13/14, he would hitchhike from his house to the beach! And when we were kids, we would walk alone to school or go to friends’ houses.

We don't want to parent from a place of fear. Today’s conversation is about confidence and awareness — giving our kids tools to feel safe and capable wherever they are.

Let’s start with Playdates and Slumber Parties. I’d be really interested to hear what other moms think about this topic. We are a no-slumber-party family for a lot of reasons. And as far as playdates go, we always do the first one in public and meet the family. I always pictured my house as the one that would host kids. I knew I wanted ours to be that house. I will ALWAYS have snacks on hand, an open door, and a loving place for kids to be. And it’s such a compliment when the parents come to get their kids and the kids say they don’t want to leave. I know you do what we like to call “sleep unders”.

These are basically doing everything that happens before sleep at a slumber party, then going home to sleep in your own bed. So, get in PJs, have popcorn and hot chocolate, watch a movie, tell stories, lots of giggles and fun, then it’s time to go home and go to bed. Plus, bonus! They are already in pajamas!

There are a number of reasons not to have sleepovers. One being that sleep is essential for, well, everyone. And getting a good night’s sleep really makes or breaks the next day. Odds are, your child is staying up way too late because they are out of routine and therefore not sleeping. They are sleeping in a different place so likely not sleeping well. And you are probably also not sleeping well because you’re wondering or worried about them. Another reason is that we aren’t in charge of who is coming and going from the house. We don’t know everyone this other family knows; there could be friends, family members, siblings, whoever is at the house, and even if we’ve met the parents, we haven’t met everyone who could potentially be there. The risk of something happening is simply too high.

There are a number of cases of abuse tied to slumber parties as well. Whether it is from peer-on-peer abuse, family members, or intruders. It’s a risk I am not willing to take with my kids. There could be weapons in the house, domestic violence, alcohol abuse, who knows! I know eventually our kids are going to be out on their own and having to deal with different situations.

But while I can, I am going to maintain some semblance of protection and control over preventable situations.

Okay, let’s move on to school safety. Equally as heavy a topic, if not heavier, because of how often things make the news now. From bullying to cyberbullying to drugs/paraphernalia to guns and weapons. It’s a crazy world out there, and it is all starting so young.

And it feels like it came on fast and strong. And it also feels like it is starting so much younger!

Okay, we know this is a sensitive topic but we would be remiss not to bring it up. In 2023, there were 346 incidents of gunfire on school grounds in the U.S., according to Everytown Research. It’s heartbreaking. Now, in 2025, it’s hard to get an accurate number for this year. Some outlets say there have been 116 K-12 school shooting incidents (statista) while others report 90 because they “only” include ones where there were injuries or death, CNN says there have been 47 as of September 10, and others say there are anywhere between 8 and 146. It is really hard when there isn’t consistent and accurate data being shared. But I think regardless, even 1 incident of a school shooting is too many. These are children we’re talking about!

It is crazy that the numbers would vary SO MUCH. And I’ve said it before but I am pretty terrified when sending my kids to school, which should be a safe place for them. We are very purposeful with the information we share here because if we don’t protect our kids, no one will! I feel like we need a new kind of MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) program that’s MASS, Mothers Against School Shootings. How terrible that that has to be a thing, but I am feeling like it does! Practical tips help, starting with your settings. Privacy settings should be age-appropriate and reviewed regularly. It’s not a one-time conversation.  Make it ongoing. Talk about digital footprints, online predators, and what to do if something feels “off.” Kids need to know they can come to you without fear of punishment. And remind them that nothing online ever really goes away. So that mean comment lives on. Just because you’re behind a screen doesn’t make it ok to treat people poorly.

On a slightly more positive note, research shows child abduction rates are actually low compared to public perception, which is good news. I do feel like parents are more aware of where their kids are now vs. when we were kids or when our parents were kids. The National Center for Missing & Exploited Children stresses teaching “street smarts” calmly rather than instilling fear.

We aren’t going to get into politics because we are here to be an inclusive community and we find that politics divides people. But, in the state of the world right now, there is political unrest and constant news exposure which adds another layer.

The APA found that 60% of teens say the news makes them anxious, but 75% still want to know what’s going on.

I heard on My Favorite Murder, in an early episode, something that stuck with me. What she said was something along the lines of: a safe adult will never ask a child for help/directions/etc. And I thought, wow, that’s so true. I would never think to go up to some kid and ask how to get anywhere! They don’t know!!

Safe words can help. Having a word for your child if someone tries to pick them up or take them somewhere. A simple deterrent can be having your child ask the “password” or something. My kids block doorways and ask for a random password all the time. So teaching a password/keyword/safe word seems really doable. 

I like the idea of situational awareness over stranger danger. It’s more empowering.

One other important thing to note is how much to tell our kids. I saw a post recently from a mom saying that her child’s kindergarten teacher told them ALL about 9/11 and even showed videos to the class! I was upset when my daughter’s second grade teacher told her, I couldn’t imagine in kinder going into that much detail! This year, I really liked that my daughter’s teacher showed a more positive view on it and told them about a tree that survived and is always the first to bloom every year. I liked the positive approach while still acknowledging the day. It felt way more age-appropriate. Child psychologists recommend tailoring explanations to a child’s age, developmental stage, and emotional maturity. Too much unfiltered information can increase anxiety; too little can leave them unprepared. I do feel like only parents can really determine the right balance since they know their kids best. But as a good rule of thumb, try not to overshare.

The APA’s 2022 survey found parents who discuss tough topics in calm, factual ways report lower anxiety levels in their kids. So it’s not just what you say but how you say it. We mentioned in our postpartum episode how our kids can feel our energy and feed off our nervous system, and the same goes for sharing scary facts. If we stay calm and teach them how to respond, it will garner better outcomes.

Use simple, factual language and let kids guide how much info they need with their questions. Avoid graphic detail. Reassure them about what’s being done to keep them safe.

And model calm. Like we always say, Calm is a Superpower. Kids pick up on tone even more than words.

Perfectly Good Advice:

I'm a mom of two teenagers, a boy (17) and a girl (15). I have worked for youth-serving organizations since I was in college (3 decades), and am currently the CEO of Big Brothers Big Sisters of San Diego County, and Co-Chair of Big Brothers Big Sisters CA Association. I've been a CASA for a young girl in foster care, who just turned 30 yesterday, and her son (age 11) now has a Big through our program - very full circle!

At least 3 Pieces of advice:
1. Get to know their friends and their parents.
Even if it's just driving the carpool or encouraging your child to invite their friend's over to your house. Use the time to get to know their friends, have fun with them, and build a rapport. Over time, you can build a trusting relationship, and you can become a part of their greater support system. It's also very helpful to get to know the parents of their friends, to help ensure a shared understanding of rules and supervision.

2. There is no substitute for quality time.
My kids like to open up at night, so I make sure I'm available for it, present and listening. What I see from our BBBS mentors is that consistency is key, as well as creating a nonjudgmental place for them to share, so that you really know what's going on and how best to keep them safe.

3. Talk about real-life situations.
Ask them what they think about and what they observe in their relationships. Things like peer pressure, substance use, dating and healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. You don't have to get too cringe. ;) Just ask them for their thoughts and be there to respond when they ask you questions. It's also important to role model healthy relationships (friendships and with your spouse or partner), as well as healthy relationships with alcohol. They are always watching and learning, so modeling safe and healthy relationships and behaviors always starts with us.

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